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[Jul. 7th, 2008|02:25 pm]
goddamn, I wish I could feel like I did in that last entry.

....four months later, I'm depressed as hell and scared shitless of facing my future.


Shane's going to get his Master's at GSU, so I'm moving with him to Atlanta in about a month.  I still have three classes to take before I can finish my degree, so I've got to figure out how/when that's going to happen.  In the meantime, I'll have to find a job that doesn't require a college education AND somehow pays enough to survive in the city.

ATLANTA fucking GEORGIA.

I just keep telling myself that this will be the change that I need to shake me out of whateverthehell this is.  maybe I'll rediscover what it is to create art.  maybe I'll feel like I'm part of something again....
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Weekend Update [Mar. 17th, 2008|02:33 am]
[Current Music |a rattling rodent wheel being driven by Brandybuck the rat]

I'm alive, and doing much better than ever.


If I've neglected you (you know who you are.....everyone, that is...), I apologize.  I'll get better about calling you back, or calling you up just to say 'ello....and such.


I'm baking a lot of cookies lately....so if you want cookies delivered in person or via snail mail, do let me know what kinds you like, m'kay?  be sure to let me know of any allergies/special considerations, too.  I specialize in vegan baked goods, and I can surprise you with something yummy if you don't want to send a specific request.


oh yeah,
and Rock Band is a really fun game, I've recently discovered.  how jolly good it is to be alive again!
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ouch. [Mar. 13th, 2008|04:23 am]
oh, and in case anyone has been wondering...

I will NOT graduate this semester as planned.  goddammit.
I was so determined, too.


It turns out there's this little thing called Serotonin Syndrome, which my doctor neglected to tell me about.  When I started taking these two current SSRIs (Wellbutrin and Zoloft), he warned me that they might send me into a manic episode, so I should look out for signs of manic thoughts and behaviors....

***EDIT***
It has come to my attention that my condition might simply be a serotonin excess--an intoxication of sorts, that might not be to the severity of Serotonin Syndrome--but is just as debilitating, I'd say, for someone who's never experienced this kind of shit before... anyway,



Now I have to figure out how I'm going to get my BA before Shane and I move to...wherever that ends up being.
Maybe I can do what I did last Spring, and somehow make up whatever is possible to make up before the end of May...?
Fuck, Phil has already indicated that there's NO way I'm going to pass any of his classes (of which I only technically "need" one), and I'm not sure if I can pass Spanish--even with all of the work made up--having missed all of the participation and attendance points.
Oh, and I probably need to clep out of whatever math class I still need to graduate.

Yeah, I'm gonna say it right here, right now, because I'm too respectful to say it to his face: FUCK YOU, Jerry R. Ridenhour, for arbitrarily deciding that my FOUR credit hours of Math Modeling isn't good enough to replace THREE credit hours of the same goddamn class, you dick.  Thanks for making my life that much more inconvenient when you could have just as easily considered my case like a reasonable human being, and not some asshole who's more concerned about running out to lunch than reading my request, so you just fucking scribbled "NO" to your secretary so you could be on your way to a big, fat, greasy fried chicken value meal.


dammit.  I'm feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about all of this.

I need to suck it up, get myself to the health center tomorrow, and talk about what to do about my medications.
I don't remember the last time I left the apartment.  goddamn, that's scary.
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so, I knew that I liked Ian McKellen... [Mar. 13th, 2008|02:13 am]
....but the more I read about him, the more I realize that I LOVE this guy.




"It is very, very, very difficult for an American actor who wants a film career to be open about his sexuality. And even more difficult for a woman if she's lesbian. It's very distressing to me that that should be the case. The film industry is very old fashioned in California."

"They didn't call it marriage, although you can call it anything you want. The one thing you cannot mention is God, that is absolutely verboten. I suppose I'm a bit mean-spirited, but I really can't see why the government couldn't just say gay people can get married - that would have been true equality and so much simpler. But that hasn't been done because they couldn't face the furore. So they've passed a law that is not available to straight people - straight people cannot have a civil partnership, they have to get married - extraordinary."
(on the UK's Civil Partnership Act)

“It's only fair that stable gay relationships of long standing should have the same rights and responsibilities as married couples. I know the image of gay marriage is to some people horrific and ludicrous.”

"If I was on a march at the moment I would be saying to everyone: 'Be honest with each other. Admit there are limitless possibilities in relationships, and love as many people as you can in whatever way you want, and get rid of your inhibitions, and we'll all be happy.”


"I've often thought the Bible should have a disclaimer at the front saying, "This is fiction." I mean, walking on water? I mean, it takes an act of faith."

"I ... think of the Bible as great literature rather than great history; great imagination rather than reliable witness. Whatever, it is not as a law book that I respect the Bible."


"I looked down from my terrace hanging over the Thames one morning. It was low tide and there, stranded on the pebbles, was a four-legged corpse - hairless, white and bloated. Was it a calf or a sheep or a goat or a dog? I stared at it until the tide rose and washed it away. For 24 hours I was off my food. When I started eating again, I couldn't face meat - fresh or tinned. Overnight I was vegetarian and I have been for 15 years or more. I've seen the pictures of factory farming and followed the politics of mad cow disease and felt effortlessly superior. Yet it's not reason or conscience that keeps me off meat and fowl--and these days fish, too--just a memory of that unidentifiable, decomposing body on the beach."


“I have never wanted to be typecast, one of those actors who plays a variation on a one-note theme. So just as I enjoy playing a wide variety of characters, from good to bad to ugly to cute - so I have enjoyed of late working in film and television, as well as in theatres of various sizes and shapes.”

“Try and understand what part you have to play in the world in which you live. There's more to life than you know and it's all happening out there. Discover what part you can play and then go for it.”

Acting is a very personal process. It has to do with expressing your own personality, and discovering the character you're playing through your own experience - so we're all different.”



... this one not only appeals to me and my life in general, but is one that I can appreciate especially lately:

“It may be my rather puritanical upbringing at odds with my inborn laziness that makes me feel guilty at the end of the day, unless I am able to point at some achievement. But this need be no more impressive than cooking a meal or going for a long walk.”

***



....Sure, I've only become familiar with him in the last 5 years or so, but I've come to realize SO many beautiful facets of his character...he appeals to me as a phenomenally talented actor of stage and film, as a gay-rights activist, as an obviously intelligent person with valuable insight into the world in general...
*sigh*

I used to be able to answer the question with certainty, "if I could have dinner with one celebrity (living) who would it be?"  The answer has been David Duchovny for a LONG time...but now I am rather torn between he and Sir Ian McKellan.

Just sifting through IMDb and reading his online biographies has made me yearn SO much to go back into theatre.  I'd be limited to community theatre, realistically, but I'd certainly accept any offer of a role in larger-scale productions (which would never happen, I don't care...)  Seriously, if I could ever see him perform on stage--preferably in some Shakespearean play--I think I could die that night a happy woman.
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[Feb. 13th, 2008|03:56 am]
[Current Mood | blechh]

ugh.

I've lost all concept of time....everything is just sort of blurred together, and I can't determine if event X happened on day A or B, or if day A or B was last week or last month...if ya get me.

being over-medicated and having moods constantly shifting--beyond the "normal" range of mood fluctuation--is SO fucking disorienting. Today, I think I slept for like, 14 hours...and I have such vivid dreams during these huge spans of hypersomnia that I sometimes can't even tell the difference between waking and dreaming life. Last week, I dreamed that I emailed one of my professors to reschedule a meeting...then I woke up in the afternoon, realized that I didn't make it to the originally-scheduled meeting, and I realized much later that I had NOT actually contacted my professor. shit like this keeps happening every single time I sleep--I have to think really hard, and often ask Shane or someone else, to figure out if I actually did X or really said Y....
I've missed SO many classes and SO many work shifts in the last few weeks...this is killing me.

I went to the health center to take care of all of this intestinal garbage, and they gave me a few weeks' worth of Levsin, which is supposed to treat all kinds of digestive system ailments and common symptoms of IBS. What's TOTALLY fucking HILARIOUS about it is that its side-effects include dizziness, drowsiness, headaches, constipation, etc. etc...........so, basically, this shit has just been adding to my problems.

goddammit.


I know that proper management of mental illness is crucial to leading a "normal," functional life....and I know that my unstable condition DID require medication to finally get under control.......but it seems like everything has gone to shit since I started taking meds.

I mean, the current combo of antidepressants I'm on seems to be the best thing I've tried so far...but current life stressors and the side effects of all this chemical fluctuation in my brain is making shit difficult lately.



My sister's life is going to hell right now, and I just wish there was something I could do.
Her own Bipolar symptoms began to manifest in the last few years, and it's gotten really out of control lately. She IS a fit mother otherwise, but Toby is trying to get her in trouble and lose custody of the kids (he's called the cops on her multiple times and reported completely false charges more times than she can even count)...so her untreated mental issues really aren't helping her case right now.

She's in such a mess of trouble, and no one in our immediate family is in any better shape to be able to help her out. It's funny--right now, possibly for the first time EVER, I'm actually more financially stable than she is....but I still don't have enough money to loan...not enough to make any real difference, anyway. :-(


OH YEAH....another fucking thing!
I submitted my request to have my transfer credit ('College Algebra: Math Modeling' from Loras) substitute in for the math credit in the Liberal Arts Core....and they fucking DENIED my request. what utter bullshit. I got an A in that 4 credit class, and it's the same damn material covered in UNI's math modeling class.......I feel that it was an arbitrary decision on the part of the Mathematics Department head, because I provided a very clear and sufficient argument for my request. I'm going to have to talk to some people about this.



grr
I need to refill my chamomile and ginger tea so my stomach doesn't get any more upset.

I'm pretty sure I have an ulcer, in fact..........but I wouldn't be able to find out without paying an assload to some dickhead medical "professionals" at a nearby hospital, because there's only so much that the student health center can offer, and people without health insurance get the cold, hard shaft when it comes to medical care.

aggh! time to go to the kitchen to shave a few bits off the hunk of ginger root....


god, I hope I make it to class today....
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another Death-related post [Feb. 9th, 2008|02:54 pm]
....so, yeah, if you're bothered at all reading about OMG mOrBiD stuff!!!!1, here's your warning.


I've finally relocated Zumi to a more secure "tomb" outside, where she'll remain until the ground thaws.



....damn, I am forever grateful to Francis Degnin and that beautiful Capstone class that I was so lucky to have taken.  SO many new ideas, concepts, and different approaches to understanding death and all the issues surrounding it....it was challenging, but it ought to be.  Death is so multi-faceted, but it remains a universal concept, and will continue to be so, as is an ever-present, naturally-occurring phenomenon, there will always be SO much to learn about it, yahdda yyaahhddablahblah blahaahhah...now I'm rambling.  pooey.




long story short:

I'm facing this grieving period with a lot more confidence that I have had in the past.
I've worked through a TON of my issues with Mom,
and I feel well-prepared to work through this emotional rollercoaster of Zumi's death.

And,
this semester has ALMOST made a steep plunge into the shit-tastic-ness of last Spring,
(depression of gargantuan proportions; missing class, work, and life; physical deterioration that goes with it all...)
but I'm feeling a lot better, and I believe I can dig myself out of this before it's too late.

I will graduate this spring.
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rest in peace, my little darling [Feb. 3rd, 2008|10:43 pm]

Death is pretty damned amazing, really...



It's so difficult to express what I'm feeling right now.......fuck, I don't know...

I haven't experienced the death of someone this close to me since my mom died almost 3 years ago.  I watched her life diminish little by little in the course of 6 days, a time which served to prepare me for what was to come...I accepted the reality of her "fate" after a few days in the hospital, but I was not present for THE actual moment.  I didn't want to be there...that week in the hospital, seeing my mom--essentially dead, but in a "living" body--had scarred me enough, and I didn't need another heart-breaking image burned onto my internal movie screen.  Perhaps I wasn't ready to experience it so up-close at that time.

...For the first couple of days of Zumi's treatment, I had real hope for her recovery....she finally ate some bits of zucchini on her own by Friday, and her breathing had become a bit less labored.
but on Saturday morning, when I took her out of her house for her morning meds, I could tell she didn't need any more suffering.  I could feel her letting go.



Zumi took her final breath last night, in my arms, snuggled close to my heart.  I know 'll ever forget those last moments with her.
I wrapped her in a piece of her favorite fleece-y blanket, and placed her inside a cardboard oatmeal canister...it was one of her favorite hide-out places in the giant maze that was her playground (my bedroom).  I want to place her beneath a tree alongside the little nature trail near my apartment, where she'll become part of the earth...and perhaps someday come back as another tree, or as grass that will become a home for baby birdies this spring.



I miss ya, behbbie Zumi.  You'll always be our little fuzzball.




now I've got a fresh slew of memories and vivid imagery playing on my internal movie screen.....emotionally intense, death-related imagery; not too uplifting to have running in my thoughts constantly, but rather profound at any rate.  I believe this is my first experience with the precise moment of the death of a loved one.

Zumi was also my first rat friend, and my first animal friend for whom I was solely responsible--Ren played a large role, of course, in raising and caring for Zumi for the first 15ish months of her life; but after I became her caretaker, I alone took care of her needs (weekly cage cleanings, food expense, vet bills, the whole ball o' wax)...but she was loved by so many.  I'm grateful to everyone who showed her that love, just as I'm sure Zumi was, too.  I'm so glad to have had her for my first rattie friend, and I hope she enjoyed the experience as much as I did.
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what a great start to the new semester... [Jan. 28th, 2008|07:50 am]
[Current Mood | scared]

okay, friends...I'm gonna get right to the point here.


Zumi and I would really appreciate your thoughts and well-wishes right now.
She's been sick with respiratory problems since last weekend....I took her to Companion Animal Clinic last week (thanks, J-Dawg), and got her started on some Doxycycline.  I've also given her regular intervals of steam therapy to help loosen the crap in her throat so she can cough/sneeze it out.  She appeared to be getting better mid-week, but then this past weekend brought the worst stage of symptoms yet.  :-(

She hasn't eaten any of her food since Saturday, and I've been giving her all of her favorites (banana, zuchinni, tomato, homemade molasses nuggitz, homemade soy crackers...) to no avail.  She doesn't even appear to be drinking much water at all.  I just noticed yesterday that there were spots of crusted-on medicine still stuck in her fur around her mouth and on her arms.....which is VERY unsettling, considering she usually grooms herself constantly...my baby appears to be dehydrated.  well that's just fucking great.

So I've been having to force-feed her some liquidy vitamin-protein compound, as well as water and diluted orange juice (I knew I bought all those oranges for a good reason!) with a tuberculin syringe.  I just got her on some Baytril to supplement her other meds, which is supposed to be like, the best combination of antibiotics for tackling such ailments.   She still sounds terrible, and she looks just miserable.  I'm so fucking scared for her.

I've done EVERYTHING I can think of to solve her troubles.......Just last Saturday, I cleaned and thoroughly sanitized her entire cage and all the accessories, AND I did the same for my sister's old cage that had been up in the attic......So now Zumi has her regular house, and a little travel house that shall also serve as a quarantine room if/when I get her some little rat friends in the near future.  Then, I washed all of my bedding and other laundry with minimal detergent and NO fabric softener.  I put a Swiffer sheet over the heater vent in my room so as to have extra filtration of the air coming in.  I never use air fresheners, perfume, hair products (well, I never use hair products, period), or anything in my room...heck, I don't even smoke in there anymore.  I clean her cage at least every week, often with poop-scoops and spot-cleaning in between.  I recently switched to Eco-Bedding, which is totally dust-free and hypoallergenic (and also compostable, which will be great if/when I have a compost bin) , and she seems to like it otherwise.  what the fuck else should I do???

I've already missed a couple of classes AND two work shifts since last Monday.......I've had to stay with her constantly, often going without sleep for as long as it's necessary, just to make sure she's as comfortable as possible.  Last Tuesday AND yesterday morning, I was literally worried sick, and that kept me from going to work.......FUCK YOU, Piazza, if you don't think this is a legit reason--if I were a single parent staying home to care for my sick child, all the while having debilitating stomach/intestinal cramps (and then some), would you really tell me that's not a good enough reason?  I fucking thought not.






oh, Zumi....you're too young for me to let this dumbass infection kill you.  You still have at least another year/year and a half to live and experience life with me and your soon-to-be cagemate(s).  You may be like, 18+ months old already, but you're still my baby, and I'm not giving up this fight anytime soon.
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Happy Cock-Us Day [Jan. 3rd, 2008|03:52 pm]
[Current Mood | gaaah!]
[Current Music |Neutral Milk Hotel]

oh god....
just 2.5 hours to go...

I'm so scared, and so so SO nervous, too.  I know that Iowa isn't the end-all determining factor in who gets the nomination, really...I know that the media plays it up to be a bigger deal than it really is--it's turned into a goddamn circus wherein the Amurrican public gets to sit back and watch the clowns perform their tricks, then battle in sudden-death elimination matches, eventually narrowing it down to a chosen few who'll fight to the death.............the caucus IS pretty crucial, however, and I guess I'm glad to be able to be a part of it.

oh, the difficult decisions we face in the months ahead....
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more political ranting...I gotta get this out [Dec. 22nd, 2007|01:37 am]
[Current Mood | fliggityFloo,I'm all worked up]
[Current Music |silence]

Shane and I have been discussing this lately, and it's something I've brought up on the VegWeb Q&A boards...

as my buddy Hannah says, "...campaign funding is definitely one of the biggest predictors of who the legislation, etc. they introduce is going to protect. *cough* Kucinich *cough* doesn't accept any corporate sponsorship. I don't think [G]ravel does either. How nice would it be to have a president that isn't controlled by the corporate world?"

Ah, yes...I really like Kucinich.  among other things, he supports full marriage equality for same-sex couples...unlike, say, Edwards, who (at present) only supports civil unions and partnership benefits--BUT I really think that in order for the homophobic, conservative community (and others in the U.S.) to actually accept legalized gay marriage, we might just need to "introduce" it by making these, erm, "baby steps," a way to get things started in the right direction, let's say.


...but I also understand that Edwards is pretty good about where he gets his financial support (largely banks and investment co.s)....AND, he's (I believe, so far) the only Dem endorsed by Iowans for Sensible Priorities, of whom Working Families Win is a local partner.  They're affiliated with TrueMajorityDOTorg, which was "co-founded"/sponsored by Ben Cohen of Ben & Jerry's!! (so sometimes they give out free ice cream at events...but I've never partaken in any of that dairy-laden business..


These are groups that I've been involved with for a little while now...they simply advocate peace, stability, security, and sustainability for our citizens and resources, basically.

One of IfSP's field organizers (Jessica Maas) was involved in a lot of progressive groups on campus/around the community, and a buddy of mine/local political activist, Chris Schwartz, has driven the PIG MOBILE around the Cedar Valley area, and we've had the CarnyMobile on campus recently...and I (and several other UNI students) have about a million of those scroll-out pens, car magnets, and at least one of the  fold-out "priorities campaign" frisbees that Stephen Colbert has shown off in the Report.  I've even got a lapel pin!!


True Majority
has this informative and adorably-animated cartoon demonstration of what they hope to accomplish for America's future.


...but I digress!...The sensible priorities campaign is one of MY advocacy groups that I support, because they pretty much stand for the kind of changes and actions that I (and MANY others)  think need to happen for this country to thrive in a healthier fashion....

But it's up to YOU to determine which candidates stand for YOUR priorities, and how their financial backing will influence their decisions.


*
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Trust NO ONE [Dec. 21st, 2007|02:26 pm]
[Current Music |Keller Williams & String Cheese, baybay]

EDIT: I just read through this and quite a few other recent posts...I'd gotten into the habit of ending many a sentence with a preposition.  That used to drive me crazy, but now I'm just casually dispensing these grammatical failures....I also overuse the ellipses and parentheses, and my tense is often mixed--usually by abuse of, um...progressive..present......tense?  But I like to believe that it just adds character to my writing. but it's probably just aggravating some of you folks reading this, yes?

-----------------------------------------------

So once again, it's been a while.  I've had a lot on my mind lately, but I simply haven't taken the time to share it with you all.

Here are my latest concerns:


(1)  Caucus time is growing ever near, and I'm getting very, very nervous...and excited....I know that the next several months will only intensify my anxiety, as America approaches a time of potentially great change.

My problem is that I'm losing faith in the current system of the presidential campaign, particularly regarding the fundraising aspect.

There are a few really good candidates out there....good as in, I really think their platforms--if implemented as promised--would be great for our country's citizens.  But I'm really suspicious of WHERE these people are getting their money.....

You can pretty much predict what sort of actions a potential president will take in office when you look at who is funding his/her campaign:

moneymoneymoneyMOh-NAY!  <--- click around, see the many sources of candidates' funding!

Y'see....Pharmaceutical companies don't really care about the health and well-being of its customers, they're all for profit.  That's why so many dangerous drugs are FDA approved without substantial testing...why they can get away with charging WAY more for products than they need for research, development, and advertising combined....

Oil companies...well, do you really trust them?  Do you really trust what a candidate says about renewable energy and environmental conservation when they're getting so much money from oil companies??


I like that Kucinich and Gravel--who both seem to have pretty good ideas/goals--receive VERY little funding from lobbyists and shady corporations.  It just SUCKS HUGE BALLS that they're not being taken seriously by the American people as a whole....because the media gives more attention to the front-runners, thus convincing the TV-programmed-public that those candidates must deserve THEIR attention as well.  fucking media....you're all a bunch of fucking douche-guzzling fuckwads.

So.....the promise for a better America is up to the "right" president to make the "right" decisions...but it all depends on US to know what the fuck we're really voting for.


***


(2)  Well, I've known for a while now that the FDA is really not a trustworthy source of information regarding nutrition facts and food labels....

Take a look at any packaged, preserved, or frozen "convenience food" you have in your kitchen...look at the label under "ingredients."  You'll probably see shit you do not recognize or understand AT ALL, as well as nice-yet-vaguely-worded phrases like, "natural flavor."  It's tricky for veg*ns in particular to understand what they're getting--a bag of baked BBQ flavored chips with "natural flavor" might simply contain spices and the like, OR it might be made of chicken fat...or pork by-product........the list goes on.  Food labels are misleading, which is why it's generally wise to stick with whole, fresh foods--they're typically better for your body AND the earth, and can often cost much less than those "convenience foods" we as Americans love so much.

WELL...
I never even thought to examine my PET FOOD labels that closely.  I did check the labels on Zumi's rattie food for any sign of BHT or BHA, as well as any meat by-products, as I would feel wrong paying for it, and wrong for feeding that nutritionally inadequate garbage to my lil' baby.  btw, ratties can get a nutritionally complete diet without animal flesh (from what I've read), and certainly they DO NOT need any of that ground up, reconstituted pig snout/cow hoof/miscellaneous meat "garbage" from the factory floor.

Turns out that the Kaytee Forti-Diet blocks and Kaytee Fiesta rat & mouse mix I've been feeding her are pretty much garbage.  Not only is corn the primary ingredient--which has been linked with cancer in rats--but these commercial rat foods also contain a POISONOUS preservative known as Ethoxyquin or simply "E."  This shit is found in so, SO many commercial pet foods, it's ridiculous.


From now on, I'm buying only properly-formulated and poison-free rat blocks.  I plan to supplement this with the usual daily fruits and veggies, as well as homemade blocks/biscuit-thingies that I'll bake myself...from carefully calculated proportions of soy flour, multi-grain hot cereal (from Bob's Red Mill), oats, flaxseed and water.

Call me a crazy, over-concerned pet-owner (though I prefer to say that Zumi is my friend who lives with me, I do not "own" her) who is being guiled by fancy/expensive pet food companies to pay big bucks to preserve the safety and health of my little friend.....I don't care.  I'm not taking any chances.

hell, I think my sister was even gullible enough to buy PINE SHAVINGS for her rattie (when she had one a few years back), having been told they were safe by some pet supply store employee.  There have probably been lots of rat-friends who went for the cheaper bedding options, simply brushing off the accusations that pine and cedar oils are toxic for ratties...thinking it was all bullshit....


So...once again, we see that we cannot always trust these so-called authorities or "credited sources" like FDA labels.  I'm glad I took these matters into my own hands.
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[Oct. 30th, 2007|12:54 pm]
I've never felt so disconnected from my family as I do now.
I could pretty much safely say that I have no family.

my sister is becoming more and more fucked up.
she and Toby are finally getting divorced, for real this time.
somehow HE's selling the house--as in, the house I grew up in, the house that Melissa bought after Mom died, yeah, that house.

the kids are probably going to end up REALLY fucked up from all of this.
Little Ashleigh should have started school this year, but I think they were just too lazy to enroll her or something.  Okay, so her birthday is in the beginning of August, it's one of those cases where she could start preschool at either four or five....but she's pretty much ahead for her age, and she deserved to start school this year.  hopefully one of them will have the brains to enroll her next year.

I'll be in a different state next year.  most likely in a completely different area of the country.  I'll be keeping up with the kids via Myspace pictures.

maybe I'd be a better aunt if I stayed behind, denied myself professional opportunities, and made sure the kids had a decent upbringing...because I don't know if I can count on my sister or Toby to do that........am I being selfish for choosing to go off and find a job after graduation?  I'd say no, but I still feel guilty for letting those two irresponsible fucktards raise the kids (separately) without intelligent supervision.

I might be going back to Monroe over Thanksgiving break, only to retrieve any of my possessions that may remain at the house.
then I'll never set foot inside the place again.
god, I hate that white-trash town, and the house itself just represents all that I hate about it....lots of bad memories......but plenty of good ones, too--it was "home" for so many years.  I cry just thinking about the fact that I'll have to leave it behind permanently.
mostly I cry for the dismal future outlook of Christian and little Ashleigh.  I hope they have good teachers, or some other role models to look up to in these crucial years of development....those poor kids.  their family is SO fucked up.
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[Sep. 24th, 2007|10:47 am]
*sigh*

what dullness my life has been lately.

it isn't as though I have high standards for excitement or thrills...I've lived in a few different versions of Boringville, Iowa for my entire life, so I've never had a terribly exciting life (by some standards, I guess).  I've always been able to make my own fun, though.

lately I just haven't had any passion for anything.  I'm not taking any studio classes this semester, and my Illustration assignments still haven't taken flight yet.  I haven't even been drawing in my sketchbook, something I used to do daily.  and I guess I'm just disheartened with the whole activism scene around here.

could it be possible that I'm still stuck in some depressive episode, just at a more functioning level?

sheesh, I'd rather be manic again.
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I'm making applesauce. [Sep. 4th, 2007|12:29 pm]
Apparently, chopping many apples will turn your fingers all rusty.

and that rustyness is impossible to wash off, too.
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[Sep. 2nd, 2007|03:00 pm]
Hmph.  I got one of my wisdom teeth taken out a week and a half ago, paid out of pocket of course, and it's finally gotten to where it doesn't hurt constantly.  Three  more to go, and maybe I'll have insurance by the time those start to act up.

Finished the HP series a little while ago now....pretty engaging stuff from book 5 on.  Exciting, I-actually-don't-want-to-put-this-down, edge-of-your-seat kinda stuff....until the epilogue at the end of book 7.  CHEESY as FUCK, J.K.  what were you even thinking, adding that shit?  whatever, I guess I'm glad I finally read them.  so that's done.

First two weeks of school have gone surprisingly well.  I'm keeping up with everything, and it looks like I might actually be able to continue this way.  Death & Dying is a notoriously work-intensive class, and I'm learning that already...but it's also a really fucking good class.  And I know that it's going to really help me...with...stuff...examining death and all its facets from a philosophical standpoint.  I'm excited for this one.


Oh, and it turns out that I have all of this semester to finish my incomplete from last semester.  *whew*
Now I just need the Geeks to finish fixing my damn laptop, and get Adobe CS3 installed....

I made a gigantic batch of tomatoey pasta sauce completely from scratch the other night--chock full of vegetables, TVP, and lentils, and the only canned ingredient used was the tomato paste.  I used some of it in a delicious vegan lasagna that turned out better than any lasagna I've ever made.  then last night Shane and I made some scrumptious salsa, also from scratch.

shit, I really can't wait to graduate and get out of food service, but I'm afraid I have a calling in commercial food preparation.
I really want to get into canning.


k. gonna go munch on some salsa, methinks.
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[Aug. 7th, 2007|03:10 pm]
I started reading the Harry Potter series a couple of weeks ago, just to finally say that I have.

books 1-4 confirmed what I had already concluded from the movies and friends' accounts....The books seriously struggled to keep my interest; I'd have had a much better time with these when I was 8, I'm sure....

but book 5, thank you!  it's finally getting interesting.



My laptop is still sick and I'm afraid to go back to school.

that's all.
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[Jul. 28th, 2007|03:43 pm]
okay,
so I've been kind of absent from the internet community since my laptop decided to finally take a shit.
it'd been having problems with the power connection; the AC adapter appeared to be kind of wonky on the computer plug end, which I thought was the cause for it's inability to keep a charge going for more than three seconds.  I ordered a new one online, but that one's no better--so it must be something wrong with the damn machine itself.  The battery has been completely drained for almost two months now, unable to charge back up.

grrrr.

so now I have a legitimate reason for not working on my illustration assignments, but I don't know how I should explain this to Roy.  It seems like he's had plenty of my excuses, and I don't know how he's expected to keep trusting me if I have to tell him AGAIN that my computer is fucking everything up.

I suck.


Another problem with the dead lappy is that I cannot load any of the pictures I've been taking...unless I install the software needed to do so onto Shane's computer, but I don't know if this machine has the room to spare.

I have lovely photos of the last two gymnasiums that I've worked on, but it's going to be a while before I can share them, sadly.  :-(
There are also lots of scrumptious photos of vegweb recipes that I've been unable to post, so that's equally disappointing.  speaking of which....



I just made the most fantastic potato salad....and it's completely VEGAN!!!

It has been one of my goals for a while now to come up with a vegan alternative for my mom's famous potato salad.  And when Shane and I discovered a shelf full of nearly expired, super discounted tofu (4 for $1 !!) at Hy Vee, i knew the time had come.

I used one block, baked in a brine of oil, salt, and vinegar, to dice up into what would be hard-boiled eggs.  Another block was then pureed and mixed with vinegar, ground flax seed, and spices to become the mayonnaise.  The rest came together with a bunch of boiled and diced baby reds, some chopped onion, chopped pickle slices (I didn't have any relish, okay?), a bit of spice and LOTS of mustard.

OH MY GOD is it wonderful.

I really hope I can make it to my family reunion this year, so I can make a batch, label it "Bobbi's Potato Salad--Revisited", and trick all those rednecks into eating TOFU! ahahahhaa!

I'm not kidding when I say that mom's potato salad was famous.  it was well-known and highly requested in Monroe--weddings, funerals, bowling banquets, ladies' golf nights.....and now I'm carrying the torch, in high cruelty-free fashion.

***


Now if I could only transfer some of this energy into making my final year at UNI a good one.

I'm half tempted to just say fuck this shit  and go to culinary school instead.
oy, what to do.
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[Jun. 4th, 2007|04:39 pm]
[Current Location |new apt]
[Current Music |the hum of my fan, also inherited from Ren]

BIG news, people.

Y'know how I used to LOVE pop-tarts?  So much that I named my LJ after them?? (Brown sugar and cinnamon was my particular favorite)

and Y'know how I had to give them up when I learned that GELATIN* is an ingredient in the frosting (as well as the frosting of other snacks and cereals)???

*ground up bones, hooves, tendons, etc., of DEAD ANIMALS


WELL

I finally found a brand of toaster pastries that actually doesn't have gelatin!!!!!!  So, naturally, I had to buy a box of Nature's Path cinnamon apple pastries to relive the memory of my old guilty pleasure.....and damn, it was worth it.  It turns out that they actually have a bit more saturated fat (2 grams vs. 1) than most other pop-tarts, but I can indulge for the sake of non-gelatinous goodness.

***

In other news, settling into the new apartment has been fun.  I just LOVE having a kitchen with a working oven and tons of cupboards.  *gleee*

Zumi and I are getting along great.  I've been offering her bits of fruits and vegetables to see what she likes.  I used banana yesterday as a reward for coming to me when I called her name.  I really want to make sure she feels happy, comfortable, and loved under my care.  Of course our bond won't be quite the same as if I had been the one to raise her, but hopefully she'll love me as much as I already love her.




everybody say aaawwwwwww...
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[May. 12th, 2007|08:39 pm]
well,
it seems as though I haven't updated in a while...not that much has happened outside my own brain.  that place never rests.  constant thrills and chills in there, I tells ya.  as for my external surroundings--the material world, if you will--life has been pretty uneventful.  nevertheless, I feel some urge to lay down some keys and tell of the past few weeks' happenings:


I finally found a place to live, and though I will have to share space with multiple people (an option I'd previously rejected), it looks to be a pretty good deal.  Shane and two other friends and I will move into the place upstairs from Shane's current residence (which is upstairs from his place last year, meaning that Shane is completing the trifecta of this house).

I'll be sharing a bathroom with three guys.  my very own bathroom is probably my favorite feature of the little haven on 26th and Walnut, and I'm really going to miss it.  but hey--at least the new kitchen will have more than 4 square feet of counters and cabinets!

in case you're curious, the demographics of 2704 College APT 3 will be as follows:
3 penises
1 vagina
2 long-haireds to clog the shower drain
3 vegetarians
3 philosophy majors
4 uber-nerds

probably the biggest thing I'm dreading is having to pay utilities.  the haven's fixed rate of 275 with all utilities paid (ex. intarwebs) was a fucking sweet deal that I'm sure I'll never find again.  ah, well.

***

sooo many people I know are getting married.  plenty of them have been married for a little while, some have babies already.

I guess all I have to say is:  I sure hope you kids know what the fuck you're getting into.

my guess is that most of them don't.  most of them have just had this fairy tale fantasy in their heads for so long, and are just so excited to have their parents paying for this dream to become a reality.  everyone just wants to fit the pattern....go to college, find future mate, marry, reproduce.  maybe worry about applying your "hard-earned" degree by getting a job, but most likely not.....what a fucking crock.  most of those people aren't even going to be happy with their lives a year from now.  what a waste of facebook news feed space.

***

I had nearly forgotten just how fucking awesome 1984 actually is.  I'm quite happy that I decided to re-read it.

I'm just finishing up Sophie's World, a very interesting novel on the history of philosophy.  good read.

I hope to have at least 5 more on my "to-read" list knocked out before the fall semester starts.  yaaayy reading.
and yayyy for deciding to take this month off for much-needed rest, relaxation, and reading.  I'm excited to start work again, of course, and I'm even more excited for this summer's painting jobs starting next month.

we've got 4 gyms to paint.  rawk.
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My Thoughts on VT [Apr. 24th, 2007|01:22 pm]
(also found on my facebook)

***


There is no doubt that what happened at Virginia Tech was a terrible and sad event. My heart does go out to all of those who are affected by this, but at the same time, I refuse to forget about the bigger picture.

Americans seem to react more strongly when the news involves our "own people", things that happen on our own soil. As if it doesn't matter what's going on around the world, even when it DOES involve our own government and all of us as its citizens and taxpayers.

http://nationalpriorities.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=182

http://www.presstv.ir/detail.aspx?id=6599&sectionid=3510202


as you remember the victims (and their families) of the tragic events at Virginia Tech, remind yourself that your tax dollars are funding a senseless campaign by your own government, which, in the last four years, thousands of American Soldiers and Iraqi civilians (yes, innocent women and children, too!) have been killed at the hands of our own military AND by Iraqi counter-forces who don't want us there.

just think about it for a while.
4-18-2007 saw 183 deaths in a single day in Baghdad alone. We are perpetuating the violence by ignoring it, since it is, after all, happening every day, and ending up in the 3rd or 4th page of the news paper.

***

If you taking nothing else from this note,
PLEASE

just remember that we are all equal as human beings.
Iraqis aren't much different from you and me, and we should not ignore what's going on at the hands of our government and US.
Don't be so quick to judge a person with a "funny name" or a different skin color.

Don't feel so righteous when you publicly announce how many hours of praying you're doing for the VT students, etc,
if you're also saying how disgusting homosexuals are,
condemning them and anyone else to hell,
or judging that Mexican immigrant who just wanted to escape a rough life (imposed by the AMERICAN outsourcing of labor, and the terrible working conditions we allow in foreign countries for our own goods to be produced).

Realize that individuals with mental illness need love and support, too.  We can't blame any one individual for driving Seung-Hui Cho to do those terrible things, but we can safely assume that he was not getting the kind of care that he needed.  This didn't have to happen.


Open your eyes to the world around you.
Judge yourself before you judge others.
and love one another.

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